Riverdale Recap | Chapter Thirty-Eight: As Above, So Below

Rather than rapidly tweet my Riverdale ramblings and spare myself from confusion in TimeHop for years to come, I put together my own highlight reel. Note that I enjoyed a bottle of wine prior to watching this episode and this is based on the ridiculous things I jotted down.

Jailbird Fight Club 

We're back in Riverdale for another night of debauchery, drama, and shirtless teenage boys. Warden Norton peers creepily through his coke bottle glasses looking like he wants to do more than bet on Archie in a fight and I don't know if I can deal. Fighting ensues in some weird section of the prison where there happens to be an empty pool and a boxing ring. Who attends these fights? I'm not totally sure, because they happen IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT (cue Archie being woken up in the wee hours of the morning to participate).

Later, Archie replaces former prison bro Mad Dog (speaking of, where'd he end up?) with a guy who goes by Baby Teeth, which I'm assuming was the second most bad-ass name the writers could think of, considering Sweet Pea was awarded to a Serpent.


Alice Cooper and FP have rekindled their old flame and start to discuss the ~Farm. Like every other season of Riverdale, the adults confide in one another, sharing vague information about their seemingly dark past that they should probably just tell the kids about. Their concern about their kids finding out is another topic of concern, but appear to be fine with Betty and Jug being "on the case." I forget that in Riverdale, the teens do all of the detective work.

Riverdale Gets A Speakeasy

To keep herself busy while the whole Innocence Project takes flight, Veronica's classy ass opens a speakeasy in the basement of Pop's. La Bonne Nuit sounds like the perfect place to make some bad decisions and facilitate an unplanned pregnancy or two. Had I grown up in Riverdale, I'd hang out there and spend all of my mom's money on some sugar-filled mocktails. To entice a crowd, Veronica enlists Toni and Cheryl to spread the word that there's no cover on opening night. She also gets Josie on board as the resident entertainer along with her emcee, Kevin. Penny Peabody stops by, offering up Ghoulies for protection, which Veronica politely declines.

Later, a mysterious box of Jingle Jangle is delivered and Sheriff Minetta arrives shortly thereafter. Smells like the work of Daddy Hiram to me. I'm just happy Jingle Jangle is back. Love a designer drug with a silly name.

We Meet Some Farm Folk

Betty spots Ethel talking to the "weird girl from the farm," Evelyn Evernever...because what else would they call her. Evelyn's sudden appearance thoroughly confused me because I feel like these farm people appeared out of no where. Like, were these people always there? Apparently there are dozens of them, or at least enough to get a school-approved social club going.

Gryphons and Gargoyles

A game that I'm calling the emo version of Dungeons and Dragons. It features images of the Gargoyle King, the mysterious figurehead that drove Dilton and Ben to suicide because y'know, no cult is complete without a couple of sacrificial suicides.

In an attempt to get some answers and obtain the sacred scriptures, Jughead and Betty want to play the game with Ethel. She's not too fond of this, telling Betty she isn't worthy (which killed me 😂), so it's on Jughead to play.

While Betty tries to play nice and try to get information out of the congregation of farm people that have gathered in her living room, Ethel snatches a kiss from Jughead, AKA Hellcaster, the same character Ben played as before he died.

Up next is a round of Russian Roulette featuring two goblets of Fresh Aide - again, this show kills me with the name parodies - one laced with poison, one without. Honestly it reminded me a lot of the choking game, something idiot kids played when I was in middle school.

Final thoughts on this episode:

  • In order to uncover any secret in Riverdale, you must don sexy sleuth-wear.
  • It's obvious that the parents of Riverdale seemingly know a lot about it and are probably behind it's inception.
  • They can't serve booze at the speakeasy but Archie gets it handed to him in prison no problem.
  • Archie would be the one to plan a prison escape and have people instantly be in on joining him.

I can't wait for the reboot of Sabrina the Teenage Witch to drop and for more of this fabulous trash next week.